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Ontario to force couples seeking divorce to attend mediation session
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By Chase Kell
Associate Editor
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.By Chase Kell | Daily Brew – Thu, 21 Jul, 2011.. .
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A two-year court battle, exacerbated by $15,000 in legal fees, brought Scott McLarty's 25-year marriage to a bitter end.
A decade later, McLarty finds himself in a familiar spot, up against his former wife as he attempts to restructure the terms of their settlement.
This time, however, McLarty and his ex-wife have been ordered to attend a two-hour mediation session - part of a provincial program aimed at finding an agreement to avoid bitter litigation.
After a couple formally files for divorce, each will be given a sheet pertaining to the mandatory session prior to court appearances. Attendance is confirmed with a stamp, a requirement that permits the divorce proceedings to move forward should the couple fail to reach an agreement.
"I think it would have been a catalyst for us to take a step back, take a deep breath, and see if there were things we could sort out on our own," said McLarty of his divorce, which was ultimately settled out of court, in a National Post story.
"When you're going through a divorce, you're angry, you're depressed, you're in an 'I want to win' mentality. The information session encourages you to try to work together and come to a solution."
Avoiding nasty court battles and saving thousands in legal fees are contributing factors, but reducing backlogs in court and limiting the effect on children played a substantial role in implementing the initiative.
An estimated 160,000 people make use of Ontario's family courts each year, creating scheduling conflicts and lengthy wait times.
"Some cases involve a long court fight," said Attorney-General Chris Bentley in the story. "This (mediation session) will give people a better sense of whether it's worthwhile having one."
When looking back at his divorce, hindsight suggests McLarty's two-year procedure was "probably not" worth it. And, in his opinion, the bulk of those he joined at his April session may come to the same realization.
"My impression, looking around at the room of 40 or so people, was that maybe 50 per cent of them could figure things out outside the courtroom," said McLarty in the story. "I'm hoping that this time we'll try to settle (the terms of our agreement) in mediation, but we'll see if (my ex-wife) agrees."
With the mandatory session, Ontario has joined an international effort to promote mediation and avoid lengthy, costly and often bitter litigation. The U.K. recently joined states such as Utah and Florida by enforcing these mandatory sessions.
Toronto-based divorce mediator, Deborah Mecklinger, practiced in Florida when mandatory mediation was implemented. After sharing her experience with couples wishing they had attempted mediation prior to court, Mecklinger explains not everyone is prepared for the amicable approach.
"Mediation requires two people who are interested in a win-win solution," she explained in the story. "That's not true of all divorcing couples."
(CP Photo)
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Arguing tips
Arguing Tips
Most of us learn how to fight from watching other people do it - usually our parents. And while we can't always blame others for our own faults, being disagreeable - believe it or not - is a learned behaviour. Kids who witness selfish and unhealthy arguments at home are much more likely to initiate disagreement or use anger to resolve problems in their own lives, and children who are surrounded by constant arguing often suffer from a lowered self-image and are more likely to have difficulties in school and in other social situations.
Nobody wants to harm their children, and we all want our own relationships to be happy and healthy. So what's the right way to fight?
Fight fair, and listen for the bell
No relationship is perfect, and every couple argues. However it's important to realize when our fighting has reached an unhealthy stage. What are the signs? When name calling, insults, and physical anger enter the scene, it's time to ring the bell and head to your separate corners.
When your words are being thrown out simply with the intent to hurt, then you've crossed the line into unhealthy fighting. For example, if you can't communicate your anger about the fact that your partner has failed to help with the household chores the day before your mother-in-law visits without calling him "useless and lazy" or highlighting his "momma's boy tendencies," then you aren't fighting fair.
It's also important to drop the words never, always, right and wrong from your fighting repertoire. Any time we group our relationship or partner into these categories, we are labelling it as black or white and unchangeable.
Check your ego at the door
Yes, we all want to be right - it feels good, and it strokes the ego. That being said, if you are constantly fighting to win, you are putting your need to be right ahead of your relationship and your partner's feelings. The short feeling of vindication you get when you're "right" pales in comparison to the feeling of being in a healthy, stable relationship, where you are both communicating openly and honestly and growing together because of it. Next time you are in a heated debate ask yourself if you are fighting to win, or fighting for the relationship.
Take responsibility for your punches
Taking 100-percent responsibility for your part of the conflict, and how you react to any given situation, is important. It takes two to argue, but it only takes one to put on the brakes and change the direction of the fight.
The right way to confront disagreements is by speaking in an non confrontational manner. To do this, start by sharing a physical feeling and/or an emotion, then share the thoughts that inspired those feelings, then share a fact you know to be true, and finally state what you want. For example, bad communication would look something like, "You are so inconsiderate! You never call when you're late. I rang you three times but you were obviously too busy with your friends to answer." Good communication would look something like, "I feel sick to my stomach and worried when I don't hear from you late at night. I tried to call you three times but you didn't answer. I would like it if you could check in with me when you're going to be late so I don't worry as much."
Only by taking responsibility for our reactions will we minimize arguments and teach our children how to fight fair. After all, we all want our children to be successful in life, and sore losers and name callers never do well on the playground.
Most of us learn how to fight from watching other people do it - usually our parents. And while we can't always blame others for our own faults, being disagreeable - believe it or not - is a learned behaviour. Kids who witness selfish and unhealthy arguments at home are much more likely to initiate disagreement or use anger to resolve problems in their own lives, and children who are surrounded by constant arguing often suffer from a lowered self-image and are more likely to have difficulties in school and in other social situations.
Nobody wants to harm their children, and we all want our own relationships to be happy and healthy. So what's the right way to fight?
Fight fair, and listen for the bell
No relationship is perfect, and every couple argues. However it's important to realize when our fighting has reached an unhealthy stage. What are the signs? When name calling, insults, and physical anger enter the scene, it's time to ring the bell and head to your separate corners.
When your words are being thrown out simply with the intent to hurt, then you've crossed the line into unhealthy fighting. For example, if you can't communicate your anger about the fact that your partner has failed to help with the household chores the day before your mother-in-law visits without calling him "useless and lazy" or highlighting his "momma's boy tendencies," then you aren't fighting fair.
It's also important to drop the words never, always, right and wrong from your fighting repertoire. Any time we group our relationship or partner into these categories, we are labelling it as black or white and unchangeable.
Check your ego at the door
Yes, we all want to be right - it feels good, and it strokes the ego. That being said, if you are constantly fighting to win, you are putting your need to be right ahead of your relationship and your partner's feelings. The short feeling of vindication you get when you're "right" pales in comparison to the feeling of being in a healthy, stable relationship, where you are both communicating openly and honestly and growing together because of it. Next time you are in a heated debate ask yourself if you are fighting to win, or fighting for the relationship.
Take responsibility for your punches
Taking 100-percent responsibility for your part of the conflict, and how you react to any given situation, is important. It takes two to argue, but it only takes one to put on the brakes and change the direction of the fight.
The right way to confront disagreements is by speaking in an non confrontational manner. To do this, start by sharing a physical feeling and/or an emotion, then share the thoughts that inspired those feelings, then share a fact you know to be true, and finally state what you want. For example, bad communication would look something like, "You are so inconsiderate! You never call when you're late. I rang you three times but you were obviously too busy with your friends to answer." Good communication would look something like, "I feel sick to my stomach and worried when I don't hear from you late at night. I tried to call you three times but you didn't answer. I would like it if you could check in with me when you're going to be late so I don't worry as much."
Only by taking responsibility for our reactions will we minimize arguments and teach our children how to fight fair. After all, we all want our children to be successful in life, and sore losers and name callers never do well on the playground.
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